The past two days have been VERY difficult. I would say what I've been going through would amount to a mental breakdown. I have been experiencing non-stop panic attacks and chest/arm pain. I've been taking Valium and that has not even calmed me down. I have gotten so little sleep, only an hour here and there, which is crazy especially for me since I usually sleep many more hours a day than the average person.
Yesterday I called my cardiologists office and spoke with the triage nurse. He told me that he would really like to see me get more sleep and increase my dose of Valium. Yesterday evening/overnight I was FINALLY able to sleep!!!! I do feel better anxiety wise, but still not feeling right.
I have been obsessed with researching aortic surgery and watching videos of the surgery being performed. It's somehow comforting to me to see what will happen, but at the same time, it causes anxiety because it keeps the surgery at the forefront in my mind. I've been slacking in school and getting close to being behind, because I'm too anxious to do homework. This needs to stop. I need to calm down. I'm just so terrified about open heart surgery.
I need to focus on what my life could be like after OHS. Currently, my life isn't much of a life at all; always exhausted, out of breath after walking short distances, chest pain, disabling anxiety and panic attacks, etc. I am living out my days in my bed. After surgery, what if I actually have a life? What if I am no longer exhausted, my anxiety decreases, and I can be active? What if I get a new lease on life and feel like an entirely new person? I need to focus on this possibility instead of the more morbid possibilities (death, complications, etc.). At the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up too high, because what if nothing changes in terms of exhaustion/anxiety/activity levels? Or what if I actually start having more problems, such as pump head, stroke, heart problems, etc.?
This is all so difficult. I'm trying my best to stay positive. I'm just so scared.
Here is me waiting for my MRI: